Thailand month has brought with it a lot of brokenness. It seems that this month, I’m being reminded of a lot of wounds that have not fully healed yet. I know I want these wounds to be healed. I also know that it is only by the Lord’s strength that I will be able to surrender some of these wounds.

I want to walk on the path of obedience. Not because it’s the easiest path. Not even because I think it is the path where all the answers will be clear. But because it is the path where my Jesus waits at the end. And it is the ONLY path where that happens.

But the struggle is real. Even the struggle that simply leads to that path. Especially the struggle once I decide to walk it. Yes, especially then. However, it is the path where peculiar glory waits.

Sometimes I don’t understand the struggle. Like when I woke up at 2 AM, weeping from a dream, and somehow Erika was still awake in the kitchen, and she holds me in her arms as I cry for so long that I exhaust the tears. And I don’t understand why that struggle is still a struggle.

I don’t understand the struggle during our morning prayer walks when it seems like the hardest possible thing I could do is have a conversation with God, though He’s the one person I want to talk to most.

And I don’t understand why it seems Aran has become totally indifferent to see me. I don’t understand why Jesus placed such a huge burden on my heart for him and I can’t help but feel I’ve done nothing. It’s overwhelmingly discouraging to sit and wait for him to come over, for he knows we come just to talk to him, only to have him blow us off the whole time. I don’t understand that struggle.

And the days when I’m not okay but I don’t quite know why, and my team embraces the pain with me, though none of us really know what’s causing the pain. . . I don’t always understand that struggle either.

And yes, the struggle is real, but it’s a struggle I’m willing to embrace because it leads me to the throne of Christ. These are the struggles I know lead to victory because through it all, I am pursuing the heart of Christ. There are five other women battling with me so that I can know the victory. So while the struggle is real, so is the hope that I cling to in Him.

This song,Though You Slay Me, is such a good reminder of why I keep fighting, why any of us should keep fighting: Because the suffering is not meaningless.

Lauren Schraa
World Race (U Squad)